In this day of the mighty euphemism, more and more people and groups
are privy to being called something quite similar yet not unlike what
they used to be deemed. For some euphemisms, such as "senior citizen,"
the term has become so frequently used that it is now not necessary to
proceed afterward with a quiet aside of the "real meaning" translation.
One that is on the rise is "passenger of size," which is a term coined
by airlines to mean "overweight person who has to buy two tickets or else
take the bus." While great steps have been taken over the past decade
to lessen the insult of common speakage, there are still some rather negative
stones left unturned.
Let's take a look at some of these, and see if they'll soon be integrated
into daily banter.
"Decadely Misplaced" - this refers to any man or woman who for some reason
decided to cease and desist any and all changes to haircut, dress, and
dialect at a certain year a good time prior to the one we are in. Men
in their thirties who still have the flipped bangs that were cool in the
'80s, women who still wear acid wash jeans and feather their hair, and
men who have long hair, wear tye-dye and headbands and use words such
as "groovy" and "hip" are some such examples. The translation for this
term is: DATED.
"Person of Emotion" - the one thing to remember with euphemisms is that
a descriptive word used after "person of" also leaves out the words "too
darn much" to preserve the non-insulting façade. For example, a "person
of interest" in a crime is known to mean that there are just TOO many
interesting things about this person to let the creep roam the streets
with the rest of us. Therefore, whereabouts, and henceforth, a "person
of emotion" is one who heard once that all the world's a stage and took
it quite literally. Expect many an outburst and episode with this one,
including delightful magic tricks such as making mountains out of molehills.
The translation for this term is: DRAMA QUEEN. (note: can also be used
"Modern Woman" - this is a tough one. The word "modern" can mean many
things and often does. Synonyms drawn from this ubiquitous word are in
the billions. To most, "modern" means "edgy." But the question still remains,
what the hell does "edgy" mean? When one is asked who they deem to be
a modern woman, he is more than likely going to submit to you the names
of one or more of the women on the television show "Sex in the City."
So by this definition, the translation for the term is: HOOKER. (because
I think it's a nicer word than "slut").
"Follicular Redistribution" - this term is used to describe some men,
progressed in their years, who are suffering from a very common and natural
process. It was long thought that in later years, the hair on top of a
man's head sometimes "fell out." It has since been discovered that the
hair does not fall out, but instead is sucked back into the head and re-emerges
in other areas. These areas include the nose, ears, back, and the extra
long ones go to the eyebrows. This happens in women as well but to a lesser
extent, and results in redistribution along the chin. Though there is
no simple one or two word translation for this condition, it was most
often noted just after leaving the company of one such affected individual
by the term, "Did you get a load of the hair on/in that guy/broad's…"
As you can see, the need for more euphemisms is great. Actually, it's
super, but beyond that, it's necessary. Though there are currently no
organized groups (ie; protestors) for the advancement of euphemistic development,
it's time to appeal to our politicians (ie; crooks) to lessen the blows
of reality dealt daily to our citizens. From sanitation engineers (garbagemen)
to lawyers (ambulance chasers), let us unite and change the way everyone
speaks to each others faces!