WATCH WHAT YER
SAYIN'
 
BY KATHERINE LEIS
 

In this day of the mighty euphemism, more and more people and groups are privy to being called something quite similar yet not unlike what they used to be deemed. For some euphemisms, such as "senior citizen," the term has become so frequently used that it is now not necessary to proceed afterward with a quiet aside of the "real meaning" translation. One that is on the rise is "passenger of size," which is a term coined by airlines to mean "overweight person who has to buy two tickets or else take the bus." While great steps have been taken over the past decade to lessen the insult of common speakage, there are still some rather negative stones left unturned.

Let's take a look at some of these, and see if they'll soon be integrated into daily banter.

"Decadely Misplaced" - this refers to any man or woman who for some reason decided to cease and desist any and all changes to haircut, dress, and dialect at a certain year a good time prior to the one we are in. Men in their thirties who still have the flipped bangs that were cool in the '80s, women who still wear acid wash jeans and feather their hair, and men who have long hair, wear tye-dye and headbands and use words such as "groovy" and "hip" are some such examples. The translation for this term is: DATED.

"Person of Emotion" - the one thing to remember with euphemisms is that a descriptive word used after "person of" also leaves out the words "too darn much" to preserve the non-insulting façade. For example, a "person of interest" in a crime is known to mean that there are just TOO many interesting things about this person to let the creep roam the streets with the rest of us. Therefore, whereabouts, and henceforth, a "person of emotion" is one who heard once that all the world's a stage and took it quite literally. Expect many an outburst and episode with this one, including delightful magic tricks such as making mountains out of molehills. The translation for this term is: DRAMA QUEEN. (note: can also be used for men).

"Modern Woman" - this is a tough one. The word "modern" can mean many things and often does. Synonyms drawn from this ubiquitous word are in the billions. To most, "modern" means "edgy." But the question still remains, what the hell does "edgy" mean? When one is asked who they deem to be a modern woman, he is more than likely going to submit to you the names of one or more of the women on the television show "Sex in the City." So by this definition, the translation for the term is: HOOKER. (because I think it's a nicer word than "slut").

"Follicular Redistribution" - this term is used to describe some men, progressed in their years, who are suffering from a very common and natural process. It was long thought that in later years, the hair on top of a man's head sometimes "fell out." It has since been discovered that the hair does not fall out, but instead is sucked back into the head and re-emerges in other areas. These areas include the nose, ears, back, and the extra long ones go to the eyebrows. This happens in women as well but to a lesser extent, and results in redistribution along the chin. Though there is no simple one or two word translation for this condition, it was most often noted just after leaving the company of one such affected individual by the term, "Did you get a load of the hair on/in that guy/broad's…"

As you can see, the need for more euphemisms is great. Actually, it's super, but beyond that, it's necessary. Though there are currently no organized groups (ie; protestors) for the advancement of euphemistic development, it's time to appeal to our politicians (ie; crooks) to lessen the blows of reality dealt daily to our citizens. From sanitation engineers (garbagemen) to lawyers (ambulance chasers), let us unite and change the way everyone speaks to each others faces!



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