AN OPEN LETTER
TO SALMA HAYEK
 
BY UNCLE WALTER
 

Dear Ms. Hayek,

I have been a big fan of yours ever since you played Teresa in my dead wife Sissy's favorite telenovela. I don't remember what it was called. I wanna say Teresa. But I'm not sure. I also thought you were very pretty and funny as the neighbor on that show with Sinbad. Again, I don't remember what is was called, but I think it may have been Sinbad.

I think you are the most beautiful woman in the whole world, and you are also very smart and talented. Sometimes you are funny too. Like in that movie with that nice man from Friends. I also like when you are sexy, like when you dance with a snake in that vampire movie with the man who was a doctor on ER.

But, one thing I don't like is when you show the whole world your boobies. I was a little upset when you showed them in the Desperado movie, but that was only for a second. I wasn't even sure it was really you. But, my friend Louie has a DVD player and he paused it to make sure it was you. It was.

When Louie called and said he had a new movie with you on DVD, and he invited me to come to his house and watch it, I was very excited. I don't get to see new movies very often. The last one I saw was Kangaroo Jack, and you weren't in that movie. The movie Louie showed me was called Frida. It was about an artist who was also called Frida.

I liked the movie a lot. And, you were very beautiful and your acting was very good in it. But, you showed your boobies way too much. And, you kissed a girl. You did other things with a different girl too. I didn't like that. Two girls shouldn't do those things. It's dirty. Only a man and a woman should be together that way. And, only in their own bedroom; not in the movies.

Women as beautiful and talented as you should not have to make "dirty" movies. Louie has lots of dirty movies, and now he says Frida is his favorite dirty movie. I know Louie does bad things when he watches dirty movies, and I do not like the thought of him looking at you when he does those things.

You are still my favorite actor, and you will always have a special place in my heart, but please do not show your boobies so much. It makes me feel bad.

With love and respect,
Walter Chavez



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