APESHEET INTERVIEW
JONATHAN & FAYE KELLERMAN
 
BY BILL KLEIN
 

APESHEET: Nice trailer, but I must say it wasn't quite the abode I was expecting for the first couple of modern detective fiction.

JOHNATHAN: Yew got sumpin' agin us trailer folk, boy? This here's a '68 Airstream, a classic! Ain't that right, Maw? (wipes nose on hand)

FAYE: Yep, don't make 'em like this no more. (lights up unfiltered Old Gold)

APESHEET: I must have the wrong couple. I thought I was supposed to be interviewing Jonathan and Faye Kellerman, respected authors of sophisticated detective fictionů

FAYE: Well, damn, boy, here we are! We been writin' them books for purt'near, what's it gonna be Paw? Like twinny yars? (digs in her ear with screwdriver)

JOHNATHAN: Hell, don't ask me. Ya know I cain't count t' eleven lessn' you remember t' cut a hole in mah pants pocket. Been a long time, though.

APESHEET: You certainly don't speak like you write.

JOHNATHAN: That's why it's called fiction, son. (picks nose)

FAYE: We got us one o' them thar dick-shun-arys to he'p us spell them fifty-dollar words them publishin' folk like so much. You hungry? How 'bout a nice ham samich?

APESHEET: I thought you were Jewish.

JOHNATHAN: Naw! Just figgered that help us get a movie deal more easy-like.

FAYE: Them's all Jews in Hollywood, y'know. (scratches private areas)

JOHNATHAN: Jews and gays. That's why I put a gay cop in my books, with Jews and gays you cain't go wrong with ol' Hollyweird, that's fer shore! (slaps knee and cackles)

APESHEET: Jonathan, I thought you were a trained psychologist?

JOHNATHAN: I am! Got mah PhD from USC! (hitches up jeans)

APESHEET: Exactly. University of Southern California.

JOHNATHAN: Naw! University o' Snake Creek. It's one o' them corry-spondents schools. You corry-spond them ten bucks and they corry-spond you a PhD.

FAYE: I was so proud. Took a pitcher of him holdin' it an' ever'thang. Wore his good suit, the lime-green waffle-weave leisure with only a few stains on it. (plays with false teeth)

JOHNATHAN: Seventy-five cents at the Salvation Army store, you cain't beat that! (takes drink from unlabeled jug of clear liquid)

APESHEET: What about your so-called extensive background as a child psychologist?

JOHNATHAN: Well, I got the degree an' I babysit mah sister's kid sometimes. She don't know who the father is, but let's just keep that between us. Could be me, I was pretty drunk around that time. (breaks into 3-pack a day wheezing laugh)

APESHEET: This is too weird for me. I gotta go.

JOHNATHAN: Outhouse is in the back. Don't use up the catalogue.

FAYE: Mazeltov! (Adjusts knee-highs)

Bill Klein
© 2005 all rights reserved



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