EXCERPTS FROM THE
DIARY OF BEN AFFLECK
 
BY ARIELLA BAR-ON
 

Eds. Note: Our predictions were correct: the prisoners at Abu Ghraib have more privacy than the modern celebrity (see the Rob Zombie article). This week we opened our mailbox to find someone had sent us selections from Ben Affleck's personal journals. Of course we were not surprised. It is Ben Affleck not Matt Damon. It was either leaking his journal or another season of Project Greenlight. Good choice Ben.

Dear Diary,

I finally broke up with Jennifer - or should I call her J.Lo. I'm sorry; her name is actually J. Ho. That bitch was cheating on me with that Latin Loser. What is so great about Marc Anthony? He is such a pussycat. I could kick his ass. Now, he is screwed. He is in for a real treat.

Anyway, I have to go meet up with Matt and his new girlfriend. Great, another stupid girl.

Peace,

Benny


Dear Journal (I realized that "Dear Diary" is not very masculine),

Today I was watching TV and they were making fun of Gigli. These people were even wearing "I survived Gigli" t-shirts. Ouch.

Peace Peace,

Benny


Dear Journal,

So I was in this movie called Daredevil. Let me just say that I looked damn sexy in my costume. Anyway, my co-star, Jennifer, is super hot. She just broke up with this other loser guy. I think I have a problem though. I seriously love girls with the name Jen. Why? This is going to be great material for the paparazzi.

Peace for now,

Ben


Dear Journal,

I know I haven't written lately, but I have been really busy making some really awesome movies. I just made this Christmas movie with Tony Soprano. Ok, it sucks. I am a loser. My career is horrible. After Good Will Hunting, I have had nothing. Plus, I will never forgive Matt for giving me such a small role in the movie. Now he is making all these movies with George Clooney and hot girls, while I am drowning in a pool of my own drool.

Ben


Dear Journal,

This is the greatest day of my entire life. The Red Sox won the World Series. This is better than winning Academy Awards, making sweet love with Jen, or hanging out with Leonardo DiCaprio. I have such a crush on Pedro. Oh boy.

Sweet,

Ben



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