APESHEET INTERVIEW
THE WOODCUTTER
 
BY STEVE JUSTICE
 

APESHEET: So you're Hansel and Gretel's dad, right? This W.F. Yung guy sent us a review of that story this month, and after reading it, I've got to ask what the heck were you thinking?

WOODCUTTER: I'm not sure I understand your question. What was I thinking about what?

APESHEET: What were you thinking when you let your wife talk you into taking your kids out in the woods and abandoning them? I know they weren't her kids, but this was your flesh and blood and you left them in the forest to die.

WOODCUTTER: Well, I didn't think they would die. I knew they were clever kids. And, everything worked out in the end so I don't see the problem.

APESHEET: Wow. Does the word delusional mean anything to you? Just because your kids brought you all kinds of treasure and turned you into a rich man doesn't mean they love you. How could they? You abandoned them.

WOODCUTTER: I really think you're overreacting. Besides, it was my wife's idea, and she's not around anymore so I can't see where anyone has reason to be upset.

APESHEET: What did happen to your wife? The kids were gone for a little more than a month, they manage to find their way home and the stepmother is dead. How did she die?

WOODCUTTER: Surprisingly, very quietly. It was probably the only time in her life she did anything quietly. She was always such a nag.

APESHEET: But what caused her to die? Disease? Starvation? Your woodcutting hands wrapped tightly around her fragile neck? What was it?

WOODCUTTER: I'm pretty sure it was one of those. I really don't remember. That was a long time ago and things have changed so much with the pearls, precious stones and what not.

APESHEET: OK. What about your first wife, Hansel and Gretel's mom. How did she die?

WOODCUTTER: Oh, she wasn't nearly as quiet about it as the last one. She was all screaming and stuff. It was like, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? Stop hitting me with that ax? Who will take care of the children?" She was what you kids today call high maintenance.

APESHEET: Do your have your ax with you today?

WOODCUTTER: Sure do. I carry it everywhere. I wouldn't be much of a woodcutter without it.

APESHEET: Thanks so much for your time.



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