YAY FOR FISH: WHAT IF ABE
VIGODA HAD NEVER BEEN BORN?
 
BY STEVE JUSTICE
 

For the past two issues, the ApeSheet has explored how the world would be different if distinguished actor Abe Vigoda had never been born. It's been quite a rollercoaster ride. NBC is last in the ratings without Friends, ER and Will & Grace. Tom Selleck and Marisa Tomei are huge porn stars with pop culture appeal. And, Todd Bridges is president. Trust me, it all connects. This month, the ApeSheet proudly presents the final installment in the Abe Vigoda series.

As previously mentioned, Will & Grace never made it out of development. This left Sean Hayes without an acting career. Instead, he turned to the world of politics, becoming the first openly gay mayor of New York City. Since most men in New York are gay, Hayes became the most popular mayor in history. His charismatic gayness propelled him to national prominence. The Democratic Party, still reeling from the amazing success of Bridges' presidency, needed a new candidate that would be more cutting edge than the Republican's black president. So began the campaign to put a gay man in the White House.

Hayes' popularity surged. People who never before considered the joys of homosexual love embraced gayness. Hayes became the next Bobby Kennedy. His election as president seemed assured. The Republicans knew they had to do something drastic. As the election heated up, photographs of Hayes making sweet love to Britney Spears surfaced. His popularity plummeted. In a press conference, he claimed the photos were fake. No one bought it. Spears then came forward and revealed that "she" is endowed with a remarkably large penis. The nation was confused and relieved.

The scandal narrowed Hayes' margin in the polls. In fact, a week before the election, the race was dead even. Election night was a nightmare. At one point, when broadcasters predicted Bridges had won Florida, it appeared he was on his way back to the White House. Then, as the evening progressed, it was decided that Florida was too close to call. In the end, Florida went to Hayes, sparking cries for a recount. This may sound farfetched, but the case ended up in the Supreme Court. Judges decided to stop the recount and, despite the fact that Bridges won the popular vote, the presidency went to Hayes. Within a year, he drove the nation into a recession, soured trade relations with China, who apparently said his pants made him look hippy, and started a new Cold War.

Back at NBC, things were still looking grim. Network executives had to do something to boost dismal ratings. One bold executive decided to take a chance. The new Kitty and Stud's series of porn films with Selleck and Tomei were a big success. What if NBC adapted the series for TV? To many the idea of porn on network television seemed ridiculous. But, with a gay Democrat in the White House, anything is possible. Soon Kitty and Stud's became the solid anchor program for the new No. 1 network. Within months, all the networks were scrambling to make their own porn. Before long, it was impossible to turn on the tube without seeing dirty, filthy hardcore action 24 hours a day.

So I still haven't answered the question, "Who voiced Sal the Wheezer in Batman: Mask of the Phantasm?" Who cares? There's free porn on TV people. What are you doing watching cartoons? Besides, eventually China bombed the bejesus out of the U.S., and now we're all living in a post-nuclear holocaust world.

Follow this link to read the strange beginnings of No Fish.



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