High culture isn't as glamorous as it used to be. You can thumb through the pages of In Style all you want, but you won't see one mention of the 2003 Venice Biennial. (Where have you gone, Andy Warhol? The art world turns its lonely eyes to you - ooh, ooh, ooh.) Instead, people are more interested in reading about grade Z celebrities, like Anna Nicole Smith, than grade B artists, like Kiki Smith. Unless Cecily Brown starts dating Russell Crowe, the public just isn't going to get interested in reading about artists anytime soon. So if it's celebrities you want, it's celebrities you'll get. What right do we have keeping you away from the hot, sticky gossip you love so much? This issue we gave into pressure and asked US Weekly to contribute an article that is worthy of ARTless but written in that insipid celebrity gossip style they do so well. Read on as your favorite celebs sound off on the kooky shenanigans of Van Gogh. We just hope they don't give US too much of an earache.

OUCH! Cutting off your earlobe seems like a stunt only Johnny Knoxville could pull, but even he admits that's too much. "I'd staple my scrotum together before I'd do something that dumb," the MTV madman told US. But then again maybe Knoxville just isn't the romantic type. After all, the absinthe addicted painter Vincent Van Gogh cut off his earlobe and offered it to a prostitute as a sign of his affection. Sure it isn't the big pink diamond ring Ben Affleck gave to J. Lo, but it counts for something, right? How about it Ms. Lopez? Would you rather have the chunk or a hunk of the hunk? "Ew, that's pretty gross" J. Lo says. "Even though it could be kind of sexy, I'd keep the ring." Does that mean severed earlobes aren't going to be the big stocking stuffer this Christmas? "I don't think so," says a Tiffany's spokesperson, "unless the fashion gods dictate otherwise." Just to be safe, we put our nose -- and ears -- to the grindstone, and asked some of Hollywood's happy couples what they would say if their partner gave them an earlobe instead of a bathrobe as a gift?

• (Ed Norton) & Salma Hayek "I think you're taking this Hannibal stuff too seriously."
  
  
• Guy Ritchie (& Madonna) "Why don't you give this to Sean [Penn] instead?
  
  
• Freddie Prinze Jr. (& Sarah Michelle Geller) "I'd be like, yucky! That's so gross and stuff."
  
  
• Ethan Hawke (& Uma Thurman) "Oh great an earlobe, real original. Who are you? Van Gogh."
  
  
• (Brad Pitt) & Jennifer Aniston "I thought I was the friend married to Brad Pitt, not David Arquette."
  
  
• Kid Rock (& Pamela Anderson) "I'd keep it and thank God everyday for bringing me sweet Pamela A"
  
  
• Ryan Phillippe (& Resse Witherspoon) "Now that's what I call Reese's Pieces!
  
  
• (Paul McCartney) & Heather Mills McCartney "If it's all the same, I'd rather have your leg."