MOVIE REVIEW
TROLL 2
 
BY NATALIE GREEN
 

I'm one of those people who actually go searching for bad movies, hoping to find one worse than Troll 2. Alas, I have failed. Vegetarian goblins... were they kidding? After watching this movie 1,500 times, I've come to let you all know these people were dead serious. Troll 2 has every aspect of bad-movie making possible, so there's no point in getting into the cinematic details. They even forgot the movie was about trolls for chrissake. The actors and dialogue are what do it for me.

Our main character is Joshua, the most annoying little boy in the world. He has a Corey Haim wannabe mouth -- always hanging open. His only friend is his dead grandpa Seth who visits him from the grave to warn him about goblins because "they still exist."

Well, it just so happens his parents have decided to stay in the country for their vacation to "live like peasants and farmers," just like their ancestors, whatever the hell that means. The town they go to is Nilbog ... now take a couple of minutes... what does Nilbog spell backwards? Right! So they go only to find they are in the goblin kingdom.

By the way, Joshua has a big sister whose name I can't remember, considering she's actually called "Big Sister" throughout most of the movie. She's my favorite character. Who doesn't find a weight-building modern dancer whose "dying" to lose her virginity charming? And the girl can dance.

Here in Nilbog, all 26 members of the community including the seductive Goblin Queen are goblins, of course cleverly disguised as humans. What's supposed to give them away are the moles they have on their faces, which are shaped like a cloverleaf. Right.

Anyway, the goblins are actually vegetarians who feed on humans. What these tricky goblins do is convince innocent humans to eat green slime. The humans then turn into green slime themselves, which apparently is a plant-derivative, therefore goblin food.

Need I say more? Really.

I'll just cut to the end -- Joshua saves the day by eating a double-decker bologna sandwich.

I'm begging you to watch this. There is no way in hell you won't laugh, unless of course you're a vegetarian goblin in disguise.



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