The Van Gogh cutting board is one of the many causes of Vincent Van Goverdose (VVG).

 
Lisa Yuskavage Distress (LYD) will not be wiped out in Lisa Yuskavage's lifetime.
 
Sufferer in the final stages of Uncontrollable Goya Disorder (UGD).
 
 
Diagnosis, ART!
By Steven Goss

Stendhal syndrome is a serious ailment. It causes heart palpitations, delirium, depression, memory failure and unconsciousness. People with it have been known to strip naked in public, scream hysterically and go into convulsions. While it's rare, it's easy to catch because it's caused by looking at art. Yes it's true. Art has been known to produce all of the afflictions just mentioned. And the scary part is any old artwork will cause it. The most infectious art is claimed to be in Florence, where in 1817 the novelist Stendhal became the first recorded case of the disease. He wrote that after observing the cultural artifacts of Santa Croce he felt exhausted, drained and panicked. Since then others have recorded their experience with the syndrome. Sigmund Freud alleged that he fainted after seeing the Acropolis for the first time. Marcel Proust claimed he suffered a slight stroke while gazing upon the works of Vermeer. And what's frigthening is that the Stendhal syndrome isn't the only illness caused by art. Since 1988 new mental illnesses caused by art have been recorded. Most doctors say we have nothing to worry about, but we don't want to take any chances do we? Here are some other art-related disorders to watch out for.

Fluxus Bruxism
Fluxus Bruxism is the unconscious grinding or gnashing of the teeth brought on by the avant-garde actions of the Fluxus art group. This condition is often exacerbated when the sufferer observes a violin being smashed, hears electronic music or sees Yoko Ono.

Vincent Van Goverdose (VVG)
Psychological state caused through an excessive interaction with merchandise related to Vincent Van Gogh. Items such as Van Gogh posters, calendars, refrigerator magnets, pillows, mouse pads or neckties can cause a catatonic-like state in the sufferer of VVG. This disorder is related to Georgia O'Keeffe Overdose (GOO) and Henri Matisse Malaise (HMM).

Kazimir Malevich Color Vision Deficiency (KMCVD)
The inability to see only white while looking at White on White by Malevich. KMCVD produces the sensation that what the sufferer is seeing is not White on White, but white on White on White. Taking in a healthy amount of Wassily Kandinsky will prevent KMCVD.

Group Exhibition Atrophy (GEA)
The weakening or loss of interest concerning new artists after seeing more than 5 group shows in a single afternoon. This degenerative disease can be fatal to the person who contracts it and to the artists who bring it about. Since 1998 this disease has killed 22 people and the career of Nicole Eisenman.

Lisa Yuskavage Distress (LYD)
LYD is a condition commonly found in males where the sufferer has an irrepressible desire to touch his penis during or after viewing a painting by Lisa Yuskavage. Coming in contact with a work will create sensations that accelerate the surge of blood to the penis. Once this happens the penis becomes erect creating a need to touch it. LYD can be controlled by looking at the art of Damien Hirst or Marina Abramovic.

Video Art Attention Deficiency (VAAD)
The inability to concentrate on a video art piece for longer than 3 to 5 seconds. VAAD occurs when the sufferer is in a crowded museum watching a video piece. During this situation they become distracted and fidgety after realizing that the piece may run for as long as 23 minutes. Even though they experience feelings of paranoia and fear sufferers will continue to watch the piece until it finishes or other people move away from it.

Uncontrollable Goya Disorder (UGD)
The overwhelming urge to think about Goya Red Kidney Beans in the presence of a work by Francisco Goya. People who suffer from UGD are not aware that they have the disease until they find themselves standing in front of a Goya thinking about kidney beans.

Paradigm Shift Hernia (PSH)
The most common sufferers of a PSH are artists between the ages of 65 and 80. PSH is caused by the sudden or shocking realization that the art these artists make looks nothing like the art they see on calendars. PHS may lead to chronic migraines and sharp pains around the neck and back. Behaviors that can worsen PHS are reading Artforum, looking at Internet art or struggling to have a bowel movement.


 
 


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