THE RESUME OF
AN ALCOHOLIC
 
BY DEL TREMENS
 

Del Tremens
96 Proof Way
Lynchburg, TN 69690


Objective
Highly motivated adult beverage consumer with over twelve years
experience in the industry. Dedicated to reaching a new level of
intoxication while providing a level of entertainment unsurpassed.
Superior record of surpassing expectations for the Circulatory and
Digestive Systems, including a complete internal shut down.


Work Experience St. Bacchus Cathedral, 7/1978 - 12/1982
Altar Boy

Prepared and assisted in providing Sacraments for over 500 parishioners, three times a week

Maintained accurate inventory of all Sacramental Wine and informed Priests when supplies were low

Gradually became responsible for ordering all Sacramental Wine

Social Coordinator for all Rectory events


The Fine Wine Shop, 12/1982 - 4/1986
Wine Instructor / Steward

Instructed patrons on the subtleties of thousands of different kinds of wines

Coordinated and managed Wine Tasting Events for upwards to 300 people

Trained palate to identify thousands of different types of wine from all over the world, including Tijuana. Little known fact: Tijuana makes a mean Beaujolais

Created wine tasting program for local high school

Increased profits 300% by adding Night Train and Wine Coolers to inventory


Ernie and Joe's Winery, 5/1986 -7/1992
Wine Maker / Grape Picker

Decreased aging process by 4 years by adding equal parts antifreeze and grape juice to recent Vintages thereby increasing profits by 50%

Perfected back stroke in wine vats

Realized that by squishing the grapes as you picked them you increased productivity by 20% and you didn't have to get your feet all messy

Three time champion wine drinker. Retired from wine drinking Undisputed Amateur Champion of the Tri-State area


Mulroney's Bar, 2/2000 - 10/2000
Adult Beverage Consumer

This one time, I was sitting at the bar and had been drinking Guiness for about six hours, and this guy came up and said, "Guiness Sucks! And so do the Irish bastards that drink it." Sos I look at him and says, "I'm Irish and I like Guiness. Who the hell do you think you are?" and he says his name's Sammy Cardoni. So I hit the fucking Wop as hard as I can before he has a chance to disrespect the bar again, and I laugh as he hits the ground

Another time I ran out of snack mix, and everyone knows how important snack mix is, sos I say to the bartender, "Hey I'm outta snack mix over here!" and he says, "The only way you're getting more snack mix is if you start eating it using your hands." I won't bore you with how I was eating it, but needless to say I was diggin snack mix out of all sorts of places for weeks afterward. Probably could've gotten rid of it faster if I bathed more often, but I hate showering at the "Y" because I always think the guys are staring at me. But that of course is another story all together, and it only happened that one time

I've actually drank three times my weight in Heineken over a five day period


Jimmy's, 3/2000 - Present
Bar Stool, Unofficial Title

Drank for 15 hours straight without getting up from my bar stool once

Lost three days of my life. I've been told that I actually was at the bar for two of them, but it can't be substantiated

I don't remember if this next one started at Jimmy's or not but ... I woke up in Mexico married to a hermaphrodite midget named Joenita, after a bender with Tequiza

My buddy Zeke, once accidentally tried to embalm me. Man, that is some good shit. Zeke's a funny guy though, hell the Funeral Director once caught him having sex with a corpse and when screaming asking him what he was doing, he just looked right at him and asked, "Is this a trick question?" I'm so glad I went first, cause I don't know how I would've answered that question


Skills

Able to utilize every orifice of my body to open a beer bottle

Learned and utilized creed " Beer before liquor, never sicker. Liquor before beer, nothing to fear"

Possess a large collection of matchbooks from different establishments I've been banned from

Ability to differentiate between many types of beer

Capable of explaining technical problems in simple language by utilizing exemplary communication skills

Excellent knowledge of German language: Jagermeister, Black Haus, Bier


Education
Lou's School of Mixology, Providence, RI
B.Sc., Adult Inebriation, Sum Cum Loud
November 1988

References Furnished Upon Request



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