THERE'S NO PLACE
LIKE HOME
 
BY MIMI YARNINSKI
 

My predicament had only gotten worse. After nodding out for a moment or two, I woke again to find I was still chained to the bottom of a van with a hamster bottle by my pounding whore head. A screeching door, followed by the blinding DAYLIGHT, startled my prisoner fantasy.

A pale ass man-child and another strangely similar pale ass man-child stood in the sun and glared at me with slight disbelief. "What do you want from me?" I blurted out. But the guys just looked at me like they had no idea WHO I was or how I got in the van. What a crock! It's me, MIMI!

Their gaping mouths and shortness of breath didn't fool me, nor did their "mom" screaming "Get that tramp outta here!" and "You're grounded!" from the front yard. What kind of passive aggressive assholes were those guys? I was onto their dirty boy intentions and the afternoon orgy planned in their Jersey basement.

To my disbelief they had the nerve to ask me why I was passed out in their sacred Satanist van and point out that I was not CHAINED to the ground but merely tangled up in handkerchiefs and the plastic circle things for six packs. Their denial was really frightening me so I dashed from the den of sin and down the driveway towards ... I had no idea where.

I ran past more driveways, mailboxes and finally to a Dunkin Donuts. I must have lost them because I waited in the street just three blocks away watching for them. Then I waited in the donut shop for like an hour, but my captors were nowhere in sight. I guess they didn't like donuts.

Eventually, I gave up on them after making several phone calls, and I met some donut guy who said I looked like I needed a drink. After eight or so Budweisers, me and donut guy decided that I just needed to rewind the events of the night before in order to get the hell out of New Jersey. It would be like rewinding your favorite Black Sabbath tape just to hear "Warpigs" one more time.

Of course! It made perfect sense. I would do exactly the same thing as I did the night before. I started obviously enough with the booze. So I drank some margaritas, some more Bud, smoked a joint and like Dorothy who wakes up from Emerald city to find herself surrounded by her very friendly uncles, I was home.

Follow this link to find out how Mimi's drunken nightmare began.



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