LIFETIME, TELEVISION FOR
THE TITLE IMPAIRED
 
BY S. GOSS AND J. SENDAX
 

Lifetime, or as some more familiar with the network have dubbed it, "Wifetime," is television for women. Apparently, it's also television for people who can't handle movie titles under 50 letters long. With titles like A Cry for Help: The Tracy Thurman Story and The Accident: A Moment of Truth Movie, it's hard to distinguish one from the other. And the real-life issues the movies are based on are equally as daunting. What these poor women go through! Rape, incest, stalking, memory loss, kidnapping. One can only assume that a one-word or two-word movie title just won't cut it. Why say The Silence of the Lambs when you can say even more with The Twisted Mind of a Cannibal: The Clarice Starling Story? Here are some upcoming Lifetime movies to be released in 2003.

  1. She Killed with Death: A Murdered by Killing Movie
  2. She Cheered on Death: The Story of a Murdered Cheerleader
  3. He Didn't Just Wear a Wife Beater, He Was a Wife Beater
  4. Deception in the Coldest Degree...Freezing!
  5. I Murdered Him and He Deserved It
  6. Love Is As Love Does
  7. I Want to Be Her Murderer
  8. My Best Friend Is Someone Else's Best Friend Too
  9. Don't Eat That: The Stacy Kinsizsky Story
  10. She Hurt Me with Murder
  11. I Hit My Child: A Mother's Tale
  12. My Mother Hit Me: A Child's Story
  13. They're Hitting Each Other and I Don't Know What to Do: A Father's Dilemma
  14. Please Don't Die Quite Just Yet, Please!
  15. She Had Her Cake and She Slept with My Husband
  16. Love is . . . Deadly!
  17. I Was a Teenage Crack Baby
  18. They Stole My AIDS Baby
  19. Breasts Too Small: The Sheila Schunkluger Story
  20. I Can't Stop Loving Him
  21. Snuggle Bear Loves Tootsie Roll
  22. She Used a Gun to Shoot Me
  23. He Never Liked Me Or My Ice Tea
  24. Courtroom Drama: I'm Going to Jail
  25. He Was Shot by a Crazy NJ Teen
  26. Relieved by Relief
  27. The Cake Made Me Cry
  28. The Joanna Kerns Story: Another Lifetime Movie with Joanna Kerns


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