JOEY'S DEAD: OTHER JOBS FOR
THE LIVING RAMONES
 
BY STEVE JUSTICE
 

Johnny Ramone, guitars, 1974-1996

After being a Ramone for more than 20 years, Johnny's occupational opportunities seem a little limited. Perhaps a job at Bleecker Street Bob's or some other record store would be good. He could also consider applying at Guitar Center or Sam Ash. If no music-related careers pan out, he should also ponder a run as a contestant on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

Dee Dee Ramone, bass, 1974-1989

Dee Dee is already cashing in on his former career by playing Ramones covers in a band with his wife Barbara. The problem here is that being a Ramone was never a financially rewarding career, so being a Ramone rip-off also has a limited projected income. Instead, Dee Dee should consider working as a gas station attendant. He has the appropriate wardrobe and communication skills. Also, thanks to his familiarity with New York City, Dee Dee possesses the skills needed to become an outstanding cab driver.

Tommy Ramone, drums, 1974-1978

In the early years, Tommy also managed the Ramones. This experience enables him to succeed in many moderate-level management positions. Perhaps a career at Staples or Comp USA would best provide Tommy with the opportunity to thrive in an exciting and competitive fast-paced environment.

Marky Ramone, drums, 1978-1983 and 1987-1996

Marky has been continuing to pursue his musical interests with the punk rock act The Intruders and with The Marky Ramone group. This never-say-die approach is sure to serve Marky well in nearly any chosen profession. A position as a corporate headhunter would allow Marky the greatest opportunity to maximize his potential.

Richie Ramone, drums, 1983-1987

Unfortunately, Richie only had a brief stint with the Ramones, and he was dropped in favor of the person he originally replaced. This indicates a possible deficiency in consistency, and also suggests a likely performance problem. However, he clearly embodies a desire to entertain. To balance out his weaknesses and allow Richie the luxury to express his individuality, he should apply for the role of co-host on Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

C.J. Ramone, bass, 1989-1996

Like Marky, C.J. has also continued his quest for musical stardom. He currently performs with the bands Los Gusanos and Warm Jets. However, his questionable pedigree and advanced age detract from his hit-making potential. C.J. should consider emphasizing his greater attributes such as his love of leather and his reluctance to shower. These facets of his personality combined with his obvious role as a peace maker in the late stages of the Ramones career make C.J. an ideal candidate for U.S. ambassador to France.



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