The last we talked, I was doing pretty well running my bitches and Arsenio was trying to take over the Joan Rivers show. Well, one day Arsenio came to see me about a special request he had, I can't really get into the details. After we finished haggling over the price, we chilled out with some fine reefer, and we started talking about his problem. He was doing pretty well as a guest host, but he couldn't convince the white executives at Fox to let him take over the show. He needed help.

It just so happened that some of the girls in my stable were pretty familiar with the execs at Fox. I don't want to get too specific, but let me just say that Rupert Murdoch likes two spoonfuls of sugar in his cup a coffee - brown sugar. Anyhow, I worked out a deal with Arsenio. I would get him the gig if he hired me as a writer. Things were looking pretty good.

The Arsenio Hall show was a big hit! I was writing the best material of my career, and the money was rollin' in. I even quit pimpin'. Then, with the show at the top of the ratings, Arsenio gets this idea for a fat rap character he wants to do. I thought he meant for a skit or two. No, he wants to record an album and even make videos. I told him he was crazy. This stunt could kill his career. Unfortunately, nobody listens to a token cartoon character.

So Arsenio is pouring all of his time into Chunky A, and I'm trying to run the show. I told him, he needed to concentrate on the show. He should forget about this joke rapper. Sure a few white kids might buy the album, but the brothers aren't going to go for it. Who do you think made the Arsenio Hall show No. 1? Some white kids in Kansas? No, it was the brothers. Now, Arsenio was selling them out.

Things got really ugly after that. Arsenio and I had a big blow out one night after Eddie Murphy was on the show. Murphy convinced Arsenio that he didn't need "Schulz's little black bitch" telling him what to do. I told Murphy to shut his fucking mouth and go make another Beverly Hills Cop movie before people got sick of his tired ass. There was a fight. Someone pulled a knife, and Murphy got cut pretty bad. Next thing I know, I'm doing 5 to 10.

Looking back, prison was the best thing that ever happened to me. Sure, there were the countless anal rapes and forced fellatio, but every night, when I went to bed with gallons of cum inside me, I would pray to God to save my soul. I became a changed man. It wasn't about fame, money and bitches. Everything was about the glory of God. I devoted my life to Him, and He saw me through those tough times behind bars. My body belonged to the boys in cell block D, but my spirit was soaring with the angels.

These days I'm running a little church outside New Orleans. It's not much, but I have my flock. It's mostly old dried up hos and burned out druggies, but they need the word of God just like me. And, if they can learn from my mistakes, and I can lead them to salvation, then all my trials and tribulations were worth it. I don't talk to any of the old Peanuts gang much anymore, and I haven't heard from Arsenio since I went to jail. But, the Lord provides for me every day, and when I die I know I'll spend eternity in Heaven, side by side with the man who started my career, Charles Schulz.

Follow this link to Part 1 of Confessions of a Token Cartoon Character.


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