THIS NEW YORK LIFE:
DIAL 'D' FOR DRUNK
 
BY AMANDA HUGANKISS
 

Friday, November 15

11 p.m., home

Very happy to report that I have had a happy, healthy and yes, normal relationship with someone for exactly one month! I couldn't be happier. Sam is thoughtful, mature, handsome and loves dogs and children. What else do I need?

12 a.m.

Jesus! Just got off the phone with Sam. He drunk-dialed me from his college reunion party in Maryland! Apparently, he and his old lacrosse buddies drank one too many shots of Jagermeister and decided to call their girlfriends on speaker phone. I'm pretty sure Sam proposed to me. Or was that one of his friends? They all said they thought I was super hot in the picture Sam was passing around. Which picture? God, I hope it wasn't the one of me vacuuming naked.

2 a.m.

Woke up to the sound of Sam's voice on my answering machine. This time he's completely incoherent. "I jussst want you to know ... I want you to know honnnney ... that I've been shthinking ... yeah ... shthinking ... I jussssst want you to know that, OK? ... you know what I'm shaying? ... hold on a shecond ... SHUT THE HELL UP, FUCK WAD! I'M TRYING TO TALK TO MY MAID, OK??? ... OK, I'm back, Consuela ... I waaant to make shure that you don't use Comet on the tub because it shcrapes off the enamel. And for Chrisssst's sakes, use the toilet brush!" ... CLICK!!!

3 a.m.

Phone rings again and I let the answering machine pick it up. "Honnney? Are you there? Pick up the phonnne! Come onnnn, baby. I'm shorry. Lishen, I need you to do me a favor. I need you to go to Weshtern Union and wire me $100,000 in unmarked bills. It's very important! I can't give you the details now but it has to do with me being a Russian spy. Also, you need to go into my apartment and give everything to Goodwill. Everything! OK, gotta go." CLICK!

11 a.m.

Just got off the phone with Sam. He doesn't remember calling me and claims I made the whole thing up, especially the bit about him being a spy. Why is it that no matter how old a guy gets he has carte blanche to make the drunk dial? And conveniently forgets about it the next day!?!



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