I'm scared. My superiors warned me that my contribution this month had to be the best ever or my position at ARTless would no longer be a paid one. Who can work like this? It is just too much. In the past month alone I have had trouble keeping food down and problems sleeping. Under these circumstances I have been unable to produce new stuff. Instead I am submitting an old unpublished piece I wrote in 1989. It was around the time that the magazine had downgraded me from editorial assistant to part-time contributor. My demotion related to an article I had approved about the recently deceased Georgia O'Keeffe. It seems that the opening sentence was considered tasteless and inappropriate. It read, "There is no cheer in the hearts of chick artists everywhere mourning the loss of Georgia O'Keeffe." Damn chick artists and their stupid letter writing campaigns. At any rate it was a stimulating time creatively. The Culture Wars were raging. Religious groups and right-wing politicians were convincing average taxpayers that their money was being spent on sacrilegious and homoerotic art. Conservatives everywhere were declaring war on the arts. The art world had become front-page material and I absorbed as much of it as I could. It was during this tumultuous time that I talked with shock jock Morton Downey Jr. The day of our interview "Mort the Mouth" had just finished a segment featuring shock artist Mark Kostabi. It was the usual postmodern boxing match that had become the norm then and Kostabi aimed to please. It didn't take long for the heated verbal exchange to turn into an all out scuffle. The breaking point came when Downey made light of Kostabi's red socks. Kostabi lunged at the host, wrapping a telephone cord around his neck and wrestling him to the ground. To this day the episode remains unaired, but I was backstage when it happened and got to talk with Downey afterwards. This document does not just record what happened that day, but the feelings and emotions that surrounded the arts in the late 1980s. So please don't fire me. I need this job. I need money to live. Please.

RON DILLER: Hello Mr. Morton Downey Jr. How do you feel after Mark Kostabi wrapped a telephone cord around your neck?

MORTON DOWNEY JR.: No. Mark Kostabi just wrapped a phone cord around my neck. That pabulum-puking pinko is a jerk.

RD: What happened to you?

MDJ: I said something about his red socks and he got mad. He wrapped a phone cord around my neck.

RD: Did that hurt?

MDJ: It hurt. Mark Kostabi is a real smart-assed baboon. He wrapped a phone cord around my neck. He doesn't even paint his own works. He just gets some suckers to do it.

RD: I agree.

MDJ: He paints these guys who wear these cone heads and have no faces. It is so stupid I could do it. He wrapped a phone cord around my neck.

RD: I agree.

MDJ: I hate him so much I would punch him in the face and then I would kick him and then I would punch him again. He is dumb. I should have told him to zip it and then kiss my butt. He wrapped a phone cord around my neck.

RD: That would have showed him.

MDJ: He's a bozo.

RD: Yes he is.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: I apologize. This interview has obviously been made up. Ron has been under a tremendous amount of pressure to impress the staff and management. Again, please accept our deepest apologies and we will do everything we can to make sure that this poor excuse for journalism does not recur.]

RD: But. But. What do you mean? This is real. I swear. I swear I met Robert Downey Jr. He was real mean-like. He kept calling me bozo and he told me to zip it.

EDITOR: Ron, do you think I'm stupid. I can see the old Newsweek article you're copying from right here.

RD: Where?

EDITOR: Right here in front of you. The sheet of paper with the words "pabulum puking pinko," "bozo," "zip it" and "baboon" highlighted.

RD: I don't see it.

EDITOR: Look Ron, right here. I am holding it right here. What is this? Look at me Ron! What is this?

RD: I don't know.

EDITOR: Ron I don't need the article to see this is made up. Morton Downey Jr. says "wrapped a phone cord around my neck" in almost every sentence. It's even in places where it doesn't fit. Then you have him saying, "I would punch him in the face and then I would kick him and then I would punch him again." Isn't that what you say about Mark Kostabi all the time. Right Ron?

RD: No.

EDITOR: Yes you do. Remember he got a restraining order because you kept calling him and repeatedly telling him that you would kick him and punch him in the face? Come on, Ron don't do this.

RD: No. Please don't fire me. Please. I need this job. Please. Please. No.